Rant

I popped down to my local 'corner shop' today to pick up a few bits and bobs and came away, as always, wishing that I had simply not bothered. "CostCutters", which most of us locals refer to as "PayMore"' is an absolute crap shop. I find it hard to believe that in 2007, when asked for 'parmesan cheese', that these idiots insist on handing over a drum of buitoni powdered foot shaving fake cheesey stuff. It is simply pathetic.
But the thing that really annoys me there is what happens when I ask for 40 marlborough lights. The guy turns around and reaches up to the shelf and then asks " Twenties ?". Well yes off course 20's you pillock. If I had wanted 4 packs of 10 or 2 packs of ten and one pack of 20 then thats what I would have asked for... This guy spends all day sat behind his counter selling faggs to us puffers- surely he has figured this out by now. How often does it happen that someone asks for 60 Rothmans and really means 6 packs of ten ? Never, I bet you. I'm going to save up and go in and ask for 180 marlboroughs to see what happens - will he think I want 18 packs of ten, or 5 packs of 20 and 8 packs of ten? Or some other absurd combination? I'm not going to answer him, just keep saying 180 till he gets it. Or maybe, just maybe, this might actually be the one thing that finally pushes me to give up smoking. Imagine that - being irritated into quitting. Forget hypnosis and acupuncture. Perhaps I could set up a "Stop Smoking" clinic, and just spend all day annoying people till they quit.

The Boy Eats Chocolate...

And who can blame him really ? Personally I love a bit of a chocolate fest. So, if you have any spare choccys, please send them here. Ta...

Ooh Yes I Do

Maverick

I thought it was about time the kids tried to get a grasp on the concept of 'War', so we went to the Britain at War exhibition in Tooley street today. There were lots of things to investigate including an anderson shelter and an unexploded bomb. Despite the sombre surroundings, they found it quite good fun, and only got scared in the "Recently Blown Up Pub" exhibit. Oscar has decided that he wants to be a fighter pilot, but I'm not sure they accept applications from people who still drink milk from a baby bottle.

Teraflop Madness

My dad once told me that he and his team put a satellite into space using an 8Mhz computer which had 4k of RAM.

Intel today announced a chip with 80 processing cores and capable of more than a trillion calculations per second (teraflops). The chip achieves performance on a piece of silicon no bigger than a fingernail that 11 years ago required a machine with 10,000 chips inside it.

The first time teraflop performance was achieved was 11 years ago on the ASCI Red Supercomputer built by Intel for the Sandia National Laboratory. That machine took up more than 2,000 square feet, was powered by almost 10,000 Pentium Pro processors, and consumed more than 500 kilowatts of electricity.

Intel says that commercial spin-offs of the chip could see it being used in high-definition entertainment PCs, servers and handheld devices.

Cars

We rented the "Cars" DVD today, thinking that the we could all veg out in front of the telly for the afternoon and eat crisps and chocolate and stuff. About 5 minutes into it, Ellie fell asleep and shortly after that, Oscar walked off to potter around with his toys. Then Alison disappeared into the kitchen to cook dinner, leaving me on my own to enjoy this wonderful film. Brilliant stuff - thoroughly recommended. Best enjoyed without the company of children.

Blast From the Past

Nothing much to report today, so here's an old picture of the missus instead.

Classic

I just couldn't resist posting this clip sent to me by mate Tobes. Its been around a while but still worth a look.

The video clip is from a Russian news programme.

There was an accident at a coal mine and people were accused of drinking on the job.

The interviewer is trying to see if there is any truth in the rumour, and then one of the other workers turns up unannounced. Don't need sound, unless you can speak Russian.

The chaps face is stuff of legend.

Illogical

Back in 1973, the art of mens hairdressing was somewhat unsophisticated, as you can see from the appalling selection of hair-dos' in this picture. I cannot remember if someone was actually paid to do this to me, or if it was a DIY job. What I can remember is being told that I looked like a relative of Doctor Spock, the chap with pointy ears in Star Trek, which I didn't think was very funny.

Even Stevens

A couple of days ago I spoke to Alison who is on Koh Samui in Thailand. The line was terrible and had that echo that echo that echo that long distance calls had years ago, and we both had to shout and interrupt each other to get a conversation through the interference. She told me that everything was fine out there and that she had just been for a Thai massage which was great and ridiculously cheap. I was kind of jealous but didn't say so, for fear of spoiling her obvious joy.
Anyway, today, in a kind of strange cosmic Karma kind of way, something very peculiar happened. A friend of ours who is a homeopath, rang me up to say that her husband had been booked in for a free massage at the place where she works, and had decided that he wasn't feeling up to it - AND did I fancy a free Thai massage? Well I couldn't believe my bloody ears, but of course accepted the offer immediately.
Julia (the homeopath) came round this evening and babysat whilst I went for a glorious one and half hour, very full on, massage, followed by a quick pint at "The Wisher" (apparently you need lots of fluids after a massage.
So, in case you think the world is shite and unfair, just remember this- there is no such thing as coincidence, what goes around comes around, and the whole world IS fair and very very lovely. Probably.

Oh Dear

A few years ago, one of Alisons' friends set up a childrens model agency and persuaded us to let her put Ellie "on the books". We took a bit of persuading but thought it could be fun for a while and that maybe we would get a few nice photographs out of it, and perhaps even earn some money. As it turned out, Ellie did very well and now has a bank account with more money in it than either of us. In due course, Oscar signed up as well, and from time to time they both do their thing in front of a camera, we get a picture, and they get some dosh. Every year the kids have to go back to the agency and have a picture taken for the agency website, and every year we show up at the appointed time completely unprepared, with overtired, cranky children who should have had a haircut yonks ago, but somehow it usually works out OK.

This year however they sprung a nasty trick on us and demanded a picture of us all together so that they could put it in the "Families for hire" section of the website. We should have refused but the truth is that we were so monstrously hungover that we just did as we were told. I can vaguely remember standing there and feeling the waves of hideousness wash over me as the camera clicked away, the flashbulbs stunning me into obedient silence. Looking at the picture now, it's almost as if they had found a perfectly good mum and two kids for the shot, but had to borrow a street dosser to stand in for the dad. Quite how Alison managed to look so remarkably good after a vodka fuelled Saturday night is a complete mystery to both of us.

Daftness

Sometimes, for reasons that deny any sense of real logic, we are tempted to perform tasks that we know from the outset are destined to end in miserable failure.

And yet, just like that bloke on Top Gear who clearly knew that it was a dumb idea to attempt a fourth run in his jet engined dragster, we are compelled to challenge our fear of impending catastrophe, and just sort of "go for it".

Today , in a moment of inexplicable madness, I attempted, whilst in the custody of two flu ridden children, to hang wallpaper. Not just any wallpaper though, the sort that has a repeating pattern which has to be matched up. The sort that is bloody expensive and basically impossible to hang correctly.

Just consider for a moment the possibilities for disaster in this scenario, with tubs of wallpaper paste, ladders, glue sodden cloths, scissors, tape measures, stanley knives and two curious children, determined to help in any way that they can. Amazingly, we (and the wallpaper) all survived this ordeal, although I can tell you that I will never again be so silly. I expect Richard Hammond is saying the same thing.

Study Time

As you can see, Ellie is delighted to be learning French instead of watching Cbeebies.

Bonjour

Aujourd'huis, mon message est écrit en français. Pourquoi ? Parce que aujourd'hui Luella a reçu le grand colis complètement de dvd qui composent son Muzzy français courir. Apparemment les enfants ont une capacité incorporée d'apprendre très facilement deux langues. Le secret doit commencer tôt tandis que leurs cerveaux conviennent réceptifs. J'attends avec intérêt d'entendre les résultats.
Peut-être les gentilles personnes à Muzzy font un cours de Javascript et de C++ aussi bien.

Perfect Sunday ?

The kids are sitting quietly in the living room watching Mary Poppins on DVD, tumble drier is tumbling, a Radio 4 play is on in the kitchen where I am cooking shepherds pie with green beans and peas, and a pot of bolognaise for tomorrow.
The house is tidy and I even managed a bit of DIY this morning. About to open a beer. Only one thing missing, but she's in Thailand.
Update: Just had a couple of pints down the pub - banana custard for pudding.

Snow

As you can see from the picture, we all woke up to a nice surprise this morning because we had quite a bit of snow last night. We had to set off for nursery a bit earlier than usual and the kids got to wear their mittens for a change.

Wally 118

I'm a bit skint at the moment which is a real shame because I wouldn't mind getting one of these for the summer weekends. Never mind, maybe I'll get one next month.

Cocktail Photomicrography

Ever stared into the bottom of Black Russian and wondered just exactly what you are drinking? No, perhaps not, but just in case you are interested - this is what it looks like when photographed under a special microscope. Not content with just downing a pint or two, these nutters spend their time taking pictures of cocktails, beers and shots which have been frozen and exposed to polarised light. They even have a section on English beers just for us lot. Some of the pictures are particularly beautiful in a sort of hippy trippy nerdy way and you can even order posters of your favourite tipple to hang on your toilet wall.
I'll have 2.75 square feet of Hacker-Pschorr Original Oktoberfest Malt Liquor please.

Clodagh

My mate Clodagh has finally started her blog. Like my friends Jenny and Patrick Frean (see earlier post), she also sold her house in Camberwell and moved to the countryside. Except that Clodagh moved to the French countryside and hates it. She is on her own with 2 kids and some chickens, desperately looking for a way back home and a nice man to look after her. If you are very rich, please help her.

Ellies Artwork

Ellie produced yet another fine drawing today, this one is a portrait of us all at home on a sunny day.

Nuts

Today Ellie invited her mate Ivy back to our house after nursery. Ivy often comes to play here and they usually have a great time and make loads of mess. I've just got to remember that she has a peanut allergy but thats OK because there haven't been any peanuts in our house since before Xmas and we keep a fairly tidy house etc. I mean really there's just no chance that there are any peanuts lying around, abandoned by children under sofas, secreted away in drawers, stuffed up dolls dresses, planted in flower pots, lurking behind the Wendy House, glued onto bits of paper, loaded into the back of toy trucks etc. Really no chance...

The high speed drive to the Hospital was kind of fun and we got there in just a few minutes. Ivy was OK after a dose of anti-histamines and a period of observation. Mostly it was the adults who were freaked out, I felt rather embarrassed, Ellie was ever so slightly guilty about telling Ivy how yummy peanuts are and that she should try one. Need to be a bit more thorough with the tidying up in future. PS - They were lurking behind the Wendy House...

Dead or Alive

Slowly but surely the special effects people are getting closer towards their ambition of creating 'digital actors'. This clip courtesy of my mate Toby, shows where they are up to now. I guess it can't be long before we start seeing guest appearances by long-dead actors in our hollywood blockbusters. What about Jack Palance as the bad guy in the next Bond movie ? Or Ricky Gervais, Tommy Cooper and Stan Laurel in a standup sketch ? The possibilities are endless. And if you fancy signing up to drama school - forget it, waste of time...

Christmas Cottage

Drove down to the countryside today to set up a new iMac for the Freans. They are a delightful couple who sold their house in Camberwell and bought a beautiful cottage somewhere near a place called "Diddle". Later on my old mate "Pervy Paul" and his mate "Jocular John" showed up with a couple of bottles of Argentinian Red which we drank rather quickly. Very nice. Oh, there was a puppy called Rudolf there as well.

Work

It can be a tough life being a fashion stylist. Poor old Alison has to go to Koh Samui for a week week and stay in a luxury villa complete with personal staff, chefs, gymnasium, pool etc etc. I really don't know how she manages it. Oh all right then, I know it IS work and she has to get up early and work late and probably won't have any time to enjoy any of it but still it beats drizzly Peckham. Not Fair.

Stick Envy

It's amazing how a perfectly good day out on Bankside can be ruined by the simplest of things. In this instance, Ellie was distraught because her mate Lara had found a bigger stick than she. "Big deal,.." I said "it's just a stick." But no good. The tears turned to screaming and shouting and went on for at least half an hour. She struggled to retain her composure, but was basically in a bad mood all day after that. Later on I found her a really big stick, but it was too late because Lara had thrown hers away and Ellie was even more annoyed because they couldn't compare stick sizes. God only knows what she is going to be like when she's a teenager.

iPhone

Absolutely stunning. Want one. Badly. more info here.

Yuk

Today, Oscar delighted us all by throwing up in the car on the way back from Ikea. I think it must have been something to do with the garish and kaleidoscopic duvet covers in the bedding department. Or perhaps it was the hotdog, chips, "sveriges mest kopta bil" and Arrak flavoured "Polly Originals" he ate on the way out.

Either way, I now feel a little more guilty about some of the late night taxi journeys I took back in the Eighties. Sorry Mr. TaxiDriver....

The New Sofa

Our new sofa/futon/daybed/mattress thing from ILVA arrived today and it looks very smart. It has adjustable back rests which can be positioned all the way down until the whole thing resembles a mattress. Or you can have it half up and half down or whatever. Unfortunately, I did myself a serious injury getting the wretched thing up the stairs, and I dare not sit on it, in case I can't get up again.
I have prodded it, and it seems a bit on the firm side to me. Still, I expect it will start softening up a bit once the kids realise that their new sofa/futon/daybed/mattress/trampoline thing arrived today...

Kebabbage

The intention was to get out of the house and find something nice to eat somewhere... we tried 3 gastro pubs, the greasy cafe, Lordship Lane - everything shut because it's New Years Bloody Day, everything except the Kebab Shop of course...

So you guessed it, yes we had kebabs for our New Years Bloody Day Luncheon but at least we chose a nice albeit unusual venue in the form of Nunhead Cemetery..

I know - weird eh ?

Midnight

Survived last night. Kids ok, no one hurt. Already tidied up everything. Still pissed. Got to get some food in me. Urgently.