Anniversary Cow

Today, with a certain amount of pride, I can announce that Alison and I have been together for 18 years. To celebrate, she bought me a cow, and we are going to the pub. Now you might think that we should be having a swanky dinner, and buying platinum jewelry for each other, but actually a cow and a pint is quite perfect in my view. I am a happy man today.

Pond Life

I am pleased to say that after a fair bit of mucking around and about 500 quid, I now have a rather lovely pond, complete with 6 little Kois and a filter/water spout thingymajig. If you don't already have a pond in your garden, you should definitely build one. It's not that hard, and few things are as calming as sitting by your pond, feeding the fish, whilst enjoying a beer and fag. I am a peaceful man today.

Heroes

I was horribly pissed off last year when Sky bought the rights to one of my favourite TV programs... "Lost". I absolutely refuse to sign up to Sky just to be able to see the third series, and now have to wait for it to come out on DVD. In fact, I will never subscribe to Sky, just because I think they are rude. Anyway, thank God there is now something else to keep me occupied at 9 pm each week... Heroes. Great fun, tonight on BBC2

On Holiday - The Last Day

Alas it is time to return home. We will try and bring some sunshine back, along with the usual selection of cheese and wine. Looking forward to my own bed, and a bit of telly.

On Holiday - Day Thirteen

The other day, whilst wandering the streets of Deauville, we found a shop selling ceramic cows. They are based on the series of "Cow Parade" cows that toured europe last year, and were very nice in a strange sort of way. The complete set cost quite a lot of money as they were around 40 quid each, and it seemed a bit pointless just having a few. Anyway, today I found some cheap knock offs for 7 quid each, and bought 5 of them. They are wonderfully tacky and would not look at all out of place next to some gnomes in the garden of this hut on our campsite.If anyone feels like buying me a 'proper' one... this one will do for a start.

On Holiday - Day Twelve

The skies turned a bit grey again today, so we jumped in the car and went off to explore Cabourg. The beach was very quiet, the umbrellas and changing tents all deserted. The shops are the same as everywhere else along this coast, and the only things we found that we would want to buy, were horribly expensive (as usual). Have a feeling that we may get a bit pissed tonight.

On Holiday - Day Eleven

Overnight, Ellies blister has grown to monster proportions and she is complaining that it hurts and she can't walk. We couldn't find a pin so I mangled a disposable razor and got the blade out, then distracted her long enough to slash it open. She didn't notice a thing, except that it stopped hurting immediately. Pirotin supplemented with Ice creams seems to be doing the trick with the other wounds.
We found a great little shop that serves homemade boeuf bourgignon with homegrown steamed potatoes which we took home and reheated in the microwave for dinner. The campsite entertainment last night consisted of a Deep Purple tribute band playing very loudly in the pouring rain. Alison is chuffed because she thrashed me at Backgammon. Otherwise, all is calm and peaceful.

On Holiday - Day Ten

Another day in the sun, being as lazy as the kids will allow. I spent a delightful few hours watching a girl on the beach who was clearly very proud of her new silicone tits. (sorry, no photo...) She spent most of the day fiddling with them, trying to keep her nipples from popping out of the absurdly small bikini she was wearing. She even had to dig 2 holes in the sand so that she could lie on her front.
Poor Ellie has been attacked by mozzies and seems to be allergic them, one eye is swollen shut and a bite on her leg has turned into a big blister. She is being very brave about it, although that may change when I decide it's time to pop the blister !

On Holiday - Day Nine

C'est incroyable! In complete and utter contrast to yesterday, today it hasn't rained a drop, not even one single little drop. In fact, the sun has been shining gloriously all day and we spent it on the beach getting sunburn. Fantastique ! In The evening, we we all gathered at the top of the hill to watch the free circus show, which was surprisingly good considering the whole circus fits into single trailer. They even chopped a lady's head off with a guillotine!

On Holiday - Day Eight

It rained ALL day, non stop. We decided to check out the "Soft Play" indoor kids fun palace wotsit thingy place, which is a 40 minute drive away. Five minutes after setting off, the "Are we there yet ?" stuff started, and it continued until we were 5 minutes away from our destination, at which point they both fell asleep. So we parked the car outside a cafe and sat in the rain drinking coffee until they woke up. The cafe was quite interesting... it is right next to the Pegasus Bridge and was the first house to be liberated in France at the end of the war. It is a tiny place the size of a living room, and is packed with photos and letters and medals and all sorts of memorabilia. Soft Play was completely jam packed with hysterical screaming kids, all slightly damp. We survived about an hour before heading back home, via a couple of bars and a supermarket. In the evening we walked up to the campsite bar and listened to a dreadful performance of french songs sung by a rather nervous lady with fake blonde hair. By the time she got round to "La Vie en Rose" we could take no more, so we all went home to bed and the slightly more enjoyable sound of rain plip plopping on the roof.

On Holiday - Day Seven

As it turned out, the rain stopped just long enough for the fireworks display, which was very good indeed. Something to do with the storming of the Bastille, apparently. We returned home weary and all slept very well. This morning we woke to sunshine, and a quick check of the skies revealed that we were in for a good day. "Crikey", I shouted, "lets get to the beach, Pronto !!" Before we knew it we were spread out on the sand, rubbing exotic oils onto our pallid flesh, soaking up the rays as quick as we could. Lunch was odd, simply because both kids refused the chicken nuggets and chips in front of them, preferring to eat Moules Marinieres and hard boiled eggs with homemade mayonnaise. Luella's french is coming on very well, and Oscar is an expert at demolishing sand castles. Saw a fantastic house which is sandwiched between the beach and the main cafe drag, but with 50 foot gardens on both sides.

On Holiday - Day Six

Breaking News: Giant Cyclone hits Normandy campsite...
All outdoor activities were curtailed today when torrential rain threatened to wash an entire campsite into the ocean. One camper, visiting with his family from South London blurted "It ain't farkin fair, I paid good money for this holiday and all I've seen is sodding rain. I've been stuck in my hut all day today with the kids going bonkers. There's supposed to be a big fireworks display on the beach tonight and I reckon it's gonna be a complete washout. I've a good mind to ask for my money back !" His daughter however was more optimistic, "We stayed in and watched two dvd's" she said, " and Mummy bought us chocolates and special french biscuits with real raspberries in them."

On Holiday - Day Five

Slept till 11 am !! That means about 10 hours straight which is easily the longest stretch for at least a year. This is what holidays are all about ! Unfortunately it absolutely pelted down with rain till well after lunchtime. We decided to drive to Honfleur which is apparently the most "scenic" seaside town on this part of the coast. And indeed it was, even in the rain. Honfleur is famous for its artists and galleries, but despite all the good taste we managed to buy an even tackier snow dome than yesterdays acquisition. The sun popped out for a while so we hit the beach and played football, then grabbed our daily fix of ice cream...

On Holiday - Day Four

Another sunny day so we decided to visit the beaches of Trouville and Deauville. Lovely sandy beaches with a classic sea front promenade of restaurants and ice cream shops. Managed to buy a suitably tacky snowdome to add to our collection. Completely mad houses here, many looking like Edward Scissorhands lives there. Wouldn't mind having one as a holiday home, but I don't expect they are cheap... Mediocre lunch of crepes (Oscar nearly threw up and most of it ended up on the floor) but extremely nice ice cream to follow. Stopped at a butchers on the way back and asked for some burgers, he minced the beef, and squished it into patties with a special machine. Photographs of the local livestock he uses on the walls. No till, just a calculator and a pencil. Alison thought it all so quaint and perfect that she welled up ( over-tired ? ). Kept the kids up till past midnight whilst we watched the band playing at the campsite bar. Drinking a lot of Normandy cider.

On Holiday - Day Three

A lie in !! Kids woke at 9.30 and we had a lazy start to the day. We went to the beach again and built some sandcastles. It started to cloud over around lunchtime so we headed off for lunch and ice creams. Ellie came with me to the Patisserie and spent a long time looking at cakes, insisting that I tell her what flavours each of them where. She couldn't decide which she would prefer, so, in a very un-childlike manner, she opted to not have any. We returned to the campsite for a swim, bouncy castle session, and a pony ride. It was hot today, and I may have got a very slight suntan. Had a bit of a disaster trying to cook sausages and kebabs on the gas barbecue in the dark.

On Holiday - Day Two

The sun is shining and we are excited. Oscar has a lie in - he is exhausted, he fell out of bed twice last night. Mum and Ellie fill a bag with puke ridden bedding and go in search of the laundry block. Coffee, baguette, ham and cheese kick start the day. We explore the campsite and go for a swim in the pool. Oscar is reprimanded for wearing bermudas - apparently he must wear speedos.....then we head into town. Lunch is great, veal escalope with lemon and butter, carcasonne de saumon, washed down with wine and a shot of Calvados. Then on to the beach - the kids love it and are reluctant to leave when it starts to cloud over. Back to the hut for a shower, then barbecued kebabs and sausages before heading to the bar. We return at midnight, the kids fall asleep instantly and we conk out soon after. A good day.

On Holiday - Day One

The day starts at 4.30 am and we are in a hurry. The kids, still in their jim-jams, are loaded into the car, and we set off in the direction of Portsmouth Ferry Terminal. Half an hour into our journey and the rain starts - heavy rain - it's really bad - can't see where we are going. The kids wake up and are not happy. This is a bad omen I think to myself, please, please stop raining. By the time we get to Portsmouth it has stopped, and we drive in circles looking for coffee. The ferry is fun - for about an hour, then the kids go out of control, charging around, banging into things. 5 hours later and we arrive in France, the sun is shining and we are starting to get in the holiday mood. Oscar needs a poo in his potty somewhere on the curbside of the N513. We drive into the campsite and are directed to our mobile home. We park in a puddle that has a decomposing crab in it. At last we unload the car then sit outside, the family together, on our Holidays. A distant rumble, the skies darken, and then the rain - big rain... Oscar is hysterical, Ellie miserable, we are too tired for this and just laugh our way through. We eat, Oscar vomits on our bed. Tempers are lost, threats are made, but soon we are huddled in our hut, listening to the rain lashing down on the roof. I put the Cinderella DVD on, and open wine and normandy cider. An hour later and the storm subsides, it is dark and quiet. The kids are asleep, and all is peaceful.

Sheffield United

One of my mates sent me this - and he shall remain nameless.

All Hail

We have just witnessed the worst storm I have ever seen here in the UK. It flooded the Mews in minutes, and the hailstones shredded 3 of the plants which I have only just bought. Very exciting. Ellie was a bit scared.

Bellenden Road

Well I know that it's a bit of an obvious one, but it still makes me smile when I drive past it.

I Love Peckham

I am trying to sell a G5 Powermac Dual 2Ghz on Ebay. For some reason, there have been absolutely no bids whatsoever, whereas similar items have plenty of bids. What's going on? I have just figured it out... because I don't have the box and it's bloody heavy, I am requesting that the successful bidder collect the mac from me here in Peckham. Yes, thats right Peckham, the place that has open gang warfare on its streets, drive by shootings, stabbings, murder in the ghettos.

So, I have just modified my listing to explain that I live in the posh bit of Peckham ( yes there is a posh bit ) and that the only scary things around here are the house prices. And Delboy and Rodney don't live here anymore either. In fact, over the years I have lived in many parts of London, and I can tell you that since moving to Peckham, I have never been happier. If I walk down to my local pub, or to the shops, I am pretty much guaranteed to meet someone I know. It's a community, with nice people, bars, cafe's, restaurants. There's a rumour that the pub opposite me is turning into a gastro pub. And there's a Tesco Metro up the road. And tree lined streets of big Victorian terraced houses, and wildlife parks, and artists and galleries and stuff. And the best greasy cafe for miles. Maybe it's time to rename the place .. Peckham Village anyone ?

Poxy Weather

I am desperate to finish building the pond, and to get some water lilies and other stuff in it. Trouble is, I still have to mix up some concrete and pour it around the reinforcing rods to make the thing super strong. Then I can put the liner in and start filling it up. But every time I step outside the house, it starts pissing down with rain, and then it stops again the minute I go inside. Its been like this for a week now, and is really starting to do my head in.

The only slightly good thing about all this rain is that my new plants are bedding in nicely. I've just about finished planting up a whole lot of containers here in the mews and its going to look fab in a few weeks time. Except that there will probably be a drought and a hose pipe ban by then, and everything will die.

Proud Dad

Oscar is two and a half now, and we recently decided it was time to start 'potty training' him. Now those of you who have been through this, know it to be an extremely unpleasant and messy business, the whole house ends up smelling of pooh and wee - the only thing that keeps you going is the thought of never having to change a nappy again...

Anyway, Oscar has been doing very well indeed, and can now pretty much be left alone to decide when he needs the potty, and he will go and sit himself down and do the doo's. But the best thing ever happened yesterday when he decided to do a proper standing up wee, his first ever, none of this sitting down to do wee like girls do stuff. And he is a good shot too. I am a very proud dad indeed.

Something Fishy Is Going On

Its been a strange couple of weeks in a "fishy" kind of way. It all started when I saw the wildlife pond at Ellies nursery, it was writhing with tadpoles and bugs and newty things - the sort of stuff that kids love. And so, within just a few minutes, I decided to build a pond. I had the perfect spot - a patch of concrete in the corner of the Mews which until now has been a dumping ground for barbecues, scooters, garden waste etc. The plan developed over the next few days and work got under way soon after. I am now at about the halfway stage, all the blockwork and steel reinforcements are in, next week I can put the liner in and start filling her up. Then comes the fun bit, finding critters to live it, we are all looking forward to buying some fish and then just sitting and staring into the murky depths... Brilliant.

But then, in a weird coincidence kind of way, I got a phone call from my friend Pat.... "Do you want a fish tank with fish, pump, lights, heater and a bubbly wotsit ?" "Bloody hell, yes please.." I said, and after a few hazardous journeys in the Merc carting drums of "matured" aquarium water back to the house, and a little bit of electrickery, we are now the proud owners of a tropical fish tank, complete with 3 Neon Tetras, and a Hi-Fin Platy. Once they've settled in, we'll go in search of more little fishies, Alison wants one of those bug eyed ones, and I want one of those mini shark looking ones. And maybe a miniature shipwreck and a diver with bubbles coming out of his head....

The Bellenden Bunfight

We have all just returned from the Bellenden Bun Fight, which appears to have been an overwhelming success. Luella did not win a prize for her cake entry, which is not surprising really. It was a shop bought brownie mix with scrunched up Maltesers and a splosh of Baileys in it. And I think it may have been in the oven a little too long. Next time we will try harder.

Dumb Arses

Hooray, according to my latest spams, I can get a hundred quid voucher to spend at Marks and Spencers. All I have to do is forward the spam to a load of other idiots, and they can have some vouchers too ! This is brilliant, in fact I am so lucky that I won a million quid on the spanish lottery this week without even buying a ticket ! And there's this bloke in Nigeria who needs my help to release billions of quid from a fund their government has set up. And look over there, is that a free case of Veuve Clicquot champagne by my doorstep ? And some free flights on British Airways. F**k me, now Bill Gates wants to share his fortune with me... it just gets better and better.

Another Gizmo

I have been flat out busy for a few weeks now. All work and no play. Yesterday though, as a sort of reward, I had a sudden urge to buy a 'gadget'. Nothing too expensive, (a hundred quid) , vaguely useful, a bit techy, possibly Apple Mac related... And so the hunt began. A few websites later, and after a quick flick through "Stuff" magazine, I found the new toy, which I can now thoroughly recommend. It is an EyeTv Diversity USB telly thing for my mac. Bloody brilliant. Dead easy to set up and use. And now my mac is a telly, which can record TV shows and save them to disk, burn to dvd, transfer to a video ipod etc. Gadget thirst is quenched - for now.

Petrol Heads

This weekend we went down to the New Forest hoping to be able to enjoy a walk in the sunshine. Should have known better .. everyone knows that it always rains on Bank Holidays. So we ended up dripping our way around the National Motor Museum at Beaulieu House - the place was absolutely rammed with miserable parents and soaking wet children. Getting fed was a total disaster area - we reckon Lord Montagu had more staff in his own kitchen than they did in the cafe...

Anway, at least we got to see a £740,000 Bugatti Veyron, an Enzo Ferrari and a 65 Shelby Cobra (mostly owned by rich americans who can't drive). Oh yeah, and the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car was there too.

Goths

So I had a choice... go to the pub and watch the Cup Final, or take the kids to the Nunhead Cemetery Open Day. The kids prevailed and I ended up wandering around whilst looking at hearses (quite interesting actually) and all the Goths who descend upon this place every year. All very, very strange.

Gilbert and George

Hurray ! Thanks to clever Mr. Yentob and those cunning artists Gilbert and George, I now have my very own 5 foot high and 4 foot wide, genuine, real, artwork hanging up in the loo. Sort of. Like thousands of other people, probably.