Oh Dear

A few years ago, one of Alisons' friends set up a childrens model agency and persuaded us to let her put Ellie "on the books". We took a bit of persuading but thought it could be fun for a while and that maybe we would get a few nice photographs out of it, and perhaps even earn some money. As it turned out, Ellie did very well and now has a bank account with more money in it than either of us. In due course, Oscar signed up as well, and from time to time they both do their thing in front of a camera, we get a picture, and they get some dosh. Every year the kids have to go back to the agency and have a picture taken for the agency website, and every year we show up at the appointed time completely unprepared, with overtired, cranky children who should have had a haircut yonks ago, but somehow it usually works out OK.

This year however they sprung a nasty trick on us and demanded a picture of us all together so that they could put it in the "Families for hire" section of the website. We should have refused but the truth is that we were so monstrously hungover that we just did as we were told. I can vaguely remember standing there and feeling the waves of hideousness wash over me as the camera clicked away, the flashbulbs stunning me into obedient silence. Looking at the picture now, it's almost as if they had found a perfectly good mum and two kids for the shot, but had to borrow a street dosser to stand in for the dad. Quite how Alison managed to look so remarkably good after a vodka fuelled Saturday night is a complete mystery to both of us.

Daftness

Sometimes, for reasons that deny any sense of real logic, we are tempted to perform tasks that we know from the outset are destined to end in miserable failure.

And yet, just like that bloke on Top Gear who clearly knew that it was a dumb idea to attempt a fourth run in his jet engined dragster, we are compelled to challenge our fear of impending catastrophe, and just sort of "go for it".

Today , in a moment of inexplicable madness, I attempted, whilst in the custody of two flu ridden children, to hang wallpaper. Not just any wallpaper though, the sort that has a repeating pattern which has to be matched up. The sort that is bloody expensive and basically impossible to hang correctly.

Just consider for a moment the possibilities for disaster in this scenario, with tubs of wallpaper paste, ladders, glue sodden cloths, scissors, tape measures, stanley knives and two curious children, determined to help in any way that they can. Amazingly, we (and the wallpaper) all survived this ordeal, although I can tell you that I will never again be so silly. I expect Richard Hammond is saying the same thing.

Study Time

As you can see, Ellie is delighted to be learning French instead of watching Cbeebies.

Bonjour

Aujourd'huis, mon message est écrit en français. Pourquoi ? Parce que aujourd'hui Luella a reçu le grand colis complètement de dvd qui composent son Muzzy français courir. Apparemment les enfants ont une capacité incorporée d'apprendre très facilement deux langues. Le secret doit commencer tôt tandis que leurs cerveaux conviennent réceptifs. J'attends avec intérêt d'entendre les résultats.
Peut-être les gentilles personnes à Muzzy font un cours de Javascript et de C++ aussi bien.

Perfect Sunday ?

The kids are sitting quietly in the living room watching Mary Poppins on DVD, tumble drier is tumbling, a Radio 4 play is on in the kitchen where I am cooking shepherds pie with green beans and peas, and a pot of bolognaise for tomorrow.
The house is tidy and I even managed a bit of DIY this morning. About to open a beer. Only one thing missing, but she's in Thailand.
Update: Just had a couple of pints down the pub - banana custard for pudding.

Snow

As you can see from the picture, we all woke up to a nice surprise this morning because we had quite a bit of snow last night. We had to set off for nursery a bit earlier than usual and the kids got to wear their mittens for a change.

Wally 118

I'm a bit skint at the moment which is a real shame because I wouldn't mind getting one of these for the summer weekends. Never mind, maybe I'll get one next month.

Cocktail Photomicrography

Ever stared into the bottom of Black Russian and wondered just exactly what you are drinking? No, perhaps not, but just in case you are interested - this is what it looks like when photographed under a special microscope. Not content with just downing a pint or two, these nutters spend their time taking pictures of cocktails, beers and shots which have been frozen and exposed to polarised light. They even have a section on English beers just for us lot. Some of the pictures are particularly beautiful in a sort of hippy trippy nerdy way and you can even order posters of your favourite tipple to hang on your toilet wall.
I'll have 2.75 square feet of Hacker-Pschorr Original Oktoberfest Malt Liquor please.

Clodagh

My mate Clodagh has finally started her blog. Like my friends Jenny and Patrick Frean (see earlier post), she also sold her house in Camberwell and moved to the countryside. Except that Clodagh moved to the French countryside and hates it. She is on her own with 2 kids and some chickens, desperately looking for a way back home and a nice man to look after her. If you are very rich, please help her.

Ellies Artwork

Ellie produced yet another fine drawing today, this one is a portrait of us all at home on a sunny day.

Nuts

Today Ellie invited her mate Ivy back to our house after nursery. Ivy often comes to play here and they usually have a great time and make loads of mess. I've just got to remember that she has a peanut allergy but thats OK because there haven't been any peanuts in our house since before Xmas and we keep a fairly tidy house etc. I mean really there's just no chance that there are any peanuts lying around, abandoned by children under sofas, secreted away in drawers, stuffed up dolls dresses, planted in flower pots, lurking behind the Wendy House, glued onto bits of paper, loaded into the back of toy trucks etc. Really no chance...

The high speed drive to the Hospital was kind of fun and we got there in just a few minutes. Ivy was OK after a dose of anti-histamines and a period of observation. Mostly it was the adults who were freaked out, I felt rather embarrassed, Ellie was ever so slightly guilty about telling Ivy how yummy peanuts are and that she should try one. Need to be a bit more thorough with the tidying up in future. PS - They were lurking behind the Wendy House...

Dead or Alive

Slowly but surely the special effects people are getting closer towards their ambition of creating 'digital actors'. This clip courtesy of my mate Toby, shows where they are up to now. I guess it can't be long before we start seeing guest appearances by long-dead actors in our hollywood blockbusters. What about Jack Palance as the bad guy in the next Bond movie ? Or Ricky Gervais, Tommy Cooper and Stan Laurel in a standup sketch ? The possibilities are endless. And if you fancy signing up to drama school - forget it, waste of time...

Christmas Cottage

Drove down to the countryside today to set up a new iMac for the Freans. They are a delightful couple who sold their house in Camberwell and bought a beautiful cottage somewhere near a place called "Diddle". Later on my old mate "Pervy Paul" and his mate "Jocular John" showed up with a couple of bottles of Argentinian Red which we drank rather quickly. Very nice. Oh, there was a puppy called Rudolf there as well.

Work

It can be a tough life being a fashion stylist. Poor old Alison has to go to Koh Samui for a week week and stay in a luxury villa complete with personal staff, chefs, gymnasium, pool etc etc. I really don't know how she manages it. Oh all right then, I know it IS work and she has to get up early and work late and probably won't have any time to enjoy any of it but still it beats drizzly Peckham. Not Fair.

Stick Envy

It's amazing how a perfectly good day out on Bankside can be ruined by the simplest of things. In this instance, Ellie was distraught because her mate Lara had found a bigger stick than she. "Big deal,.." I said "it's just a stick." But no good. The tears turned to screaming and shouting and went on for at least half an hour. She struggled to retain her composure, but was basically in a bad mood all day after that. Later on I found her a really big stick, but it was too late because Lara had thrown hers away and Ellie was even more annoyed because they couldn't compare stick sizes. God only knows what she is going to be like when she's a teenager.

iPhone

Absolutely stunning. Want one. Badly. more info here.

Yuk

Today, Oscar delighted us all by throwing up in the car on the way back from Ikea. I think it must have been something to do with the garish and kaleidoscopic duvet covers in the bedding department. Or perhaps it was the hotdog, chips, "sveriges mest kopta bil" and Arrak flavoured "Polly Originals" he ate on the way out.

Either way, I now feel a little more guilty about some of the late night taxi journeys I took back in the Eighties. Sorry Mr. TaxiDriver....

The New Sofa

Our new sofa/futon/daybed/mattress thing from ILVA arrived today and it looks very smart. It has adjustable back rests which can be positioned all the way down until the whole thing resembles a mattress. Or you can have it half up and half down or whatever. Unfortunately, I did myself a serious injury getting the wretched thing up the stairs, and I dare not sit on it, in case I can't get up again.
I have prodded it, and it seems a bit on the firm side to me. Still, I expect it will start softening up a bit once the kids realise that their new sofa/futon/daybed/mattress/trampoline thing arrived today...

Kebabbage

The intention was to get out of the house and find something nice to eat somewhere... we tried 3 gastro pubs, the greasy cafe, Lordship Lane - everything shut because it's New Years Bloody Day, everything except the Kebab Shop of course...

So you guessed it, yes we had kebabs for our New Years Bloody Day Luncheon but at least we chose a nice albeit unusual venue in the form of Nunhead Cemetery..

I know - weird eh ?

Midnight

Survived last night. Kids ok, no one hurt. Already tidied up everything. Still pissed. Got to get some food in me. Urgently.

Old Mates

My mate Derek popped over for a few drinks last night - brought along an old friend of ours from Holland. It was good to catch up on gossip and demonstrate our children to the dutch girl. Slightly hungover today and considering doing something daft - a visit to Ilva to spend our Christmas vouchers seems favourite at the moment. Might buy a "Daybed" and coffee table...

Xmas

Question - Is it possible for a child to have too many christmas presents, to get bored opening them, to forget who gave them and what they were... ?

Answer - Yes.

The Horror...

Now I should start by saying that we are not proud of this, but thought you should know about our adventure last night.
It all started a few weeks ago I was woken in the night by a strange sound in the hallway. I staggered blearily to the bedroom door, peered through the gap and saw a strange cat sitting on the stairs, it had obviously come in through our now redundant catflap (we no longer have a cat). "No problem..", I thought, and went back to bed. A few days ago I heard more noises in the night and in the morning found the bin bag had been ripped open and bits of food were lying around. I tidied up and then went to the cat flap and locked it shut. Problem solved. Or so I thought...

Last night at around 3 am Alison heard strange noises and woke me up. I went into the hallway but could see nothing. Perhaps I had inadvertedly locked the cat in ? I shut Ellie and Oscars bedroom door to make sure that our uninvited quest didn't get into their room, and went back to bed. Half an hour later we could hear a scratching noise coming from their bedroom so I walked in, and strained to see anything in the dark. Switched the light on and had the shock of my life... A huge rat ran across the room and dissapeared beneath Ellie's bed. I shrieked, Alison lept out of bed. "Quick" I said, "Get something to poke it out from under the bed, and something to whack it with...." Alison grabbed a broom and a cardboard wrapping paper tube ( ???!!! ) and stood out in the hallway. I poked around under the bed and it ran out towards the hallway. I heard Alison say "oh my God" as it headed towards her, then she started screaming and banging. The kids woke up. By the time I made to the hallway the rat was halfway up the stairs but had been semi-concussed by a flookey hit to the head with a cardboard tube. It fell over the edge of the stairs and landed right in front of me where I clobbered him repeatedly with the broom until he was 'Brown Bread' as the cockneys say. Blood everywhere, kids crying, Alison and I, starkers and shrieking at half three in the morning. I wish I'd had a camera, easily the funniest thing this year...

P.S. I have now boarded up the cat flap permanently.

Elfishness

OK so I know everyone is doing this, but what the hell... here's mine.

Party Time

It was Luella's fourth birthday on Saturday and she had a mermaid and pirates party. There was a magic show featuring Professor Palmermoff and his stunning array of of magical effects, illusions, balloon modelling and fun (0208 691 4533). Everyone had a great time and no one got hurt. Some of the adults got quite drunk.

A Classic

After many years service, my mate Craig is leaving Carter Wong & Partners to try and go it alone as a freelancer. Whilst clearing his desk he found this movie that the 3 of us made back in the late nineties. We filmed it during the lunch break, then added music and antiqued it in the afternoon. We were planning on embedding it in a CD-Rom project we were working on, with a hidden hotlink to get to it. Can't remember if we ever did put it in though...Anyway, click here to see the vid.

Chocco

Today has been interesting - kind of. Got up, fed kids, jumped in car and we all headed to Surbiton where Ellie and Oscar were going to be in a photoshoot for Thorntons Chocoates. Got there at 10.30 only to be told that the chocolates hadn't arrived and that they hadn't finished building the set. It was frantic in the house and not an ideal environment for two energetic kids so we had to walk around in the pissing rain for 2 hours looking for something to do. Ended up buying Ellie a disco ball thing in Maplins. When we returned, the stylist dressed them up and brushed their hair and sat them at a table with some grown up models pretending to be a family. So far, so good. But then they had to start eating chocolate, and I mean loads of chocolate... really, you should have seen them, there were crates of the stuff and Oscar and Ellie went mental. Then they had a break whilst the crew re-jigged the set and then it was the whole sticky chocolate mayhem madness thing again. Four times they did this. Now you all know what that stuff does to kids and that's where the nightmare began. By 3 o'clock their eyeballs were popping and they were both completely hyperactive, by 5 they were charging around the set, tripping over cables and tripods and throwing things at the photographer, the fake mum got her face scatched, things were getting ugly but then thank god it was time to leave so we did.
About halfway back the adrenalin, sugar and cocoa started to fade and they both conked out. At home the place was still a mess from yesterday and I realised that there wasn't anything much to eat and it all started going pear shaped again.(no batteries for the disco ball thing). Managed to placate them with milk and some fruit and a recording of Thumbelina. Then Angela rang to say she had a load of unwanted food she had bought for a job today and she would pop round with it (she often gives us these Red Cross Parcels...thank you Angela...) Made some penne with a cheese sauce that didn't seem to work but they ate it anyway, then got them to bed. Then a steak sandwich with onions and dijon mustard and fresh rocket with a bottle of beer for me, and finally all is calm. Going to bed now.

Xmas is coming

Ellie had an appointment with the hairdressers this morning but we got there a bit early and had to walk around the shops for while. Just as we were walking past a shop she spotted this big bloke with a beard hanging around in a sort of "grotto" place. Anyway we went in and guess who was there! It was the real Father Xmas so they sat down and had a chat for a while and then he gave her a present. Oscar was a bit freaked out at first but calmed down temporarily after Santa gave him a chocolate.

Portraits

This morning whilst I was sorting out clothes for the kids to wear, Ellie grabbed a few things and ran upstairs. A few minutes later she began shouting for me to come and see what she had been doing. "I've made me and Oscar !" she proudly announced, and indeed she had.

Busy

Today I decided to keep a record of my activities so that I could conduct a kind of "time and motion" study, and work out what I am doing wrong.

1 - woke up
2 - dressed the kids
3 - made breakfast (scrambled eggs)
4 - emptied dishwasher
5 - filled dishwasher
6 - emptied tumble drier
7 - filled washing machine
8 - emptied washing machine
9 - filled tumble drier
10 - tidied up both bedrooms
11 - cleaned kitchen sink
12 - mopped floor
13 - split an mp3 track in two for a client
14 - researched hard disk recorder for alisons mum
15 - taught ellie how to write "oscar"
16 - went to Argos and collected the mother in laws xmas present
17 - took ellie to nursery
18 - emptied tumble drier
19 - hung clothes up
20 - went and had a haircut
21 - answered emails
22 - did an hours work on my cd rom job
23 - inputted last years accounts into spreadsheet
24 - consequently bought 8 weeks worth of lotto tickets online
25 - collected ellie and her friend Ivy from nursery
26 - helped them make paper crowns
27 - cooked them dinner (kievs, corn on the cob, banana custard)
28 - tidied up again
29 - rang Alison in Capetown
30 - watched the news
31 - put kids to bed
32 - had a bath
33 - drank half a bottle of Prosecco
34 - had dinner
35 - filled dishwasher again
36 - uploaded this blog entry
37 - went to bed

Only a few of these tasks will result in any longterm usefulness or change. Many of them seem utterly pointless. Three were fun, a few were boring and a several were a complete waste of time. The first was difficult, the last was easy. One was delicious and one was mediocre. But one is a complete lie - can you guess which ? Answers on a xmas card please.