Pimp My Taxi

In between hours of staring blankly at pages of code and other gibberish on my computer screen, I have been occupied by my latest passion - the black london taxicab I bought a few weeks ago. It is seriously good fun to drive around in, and we both argue over who's turn it is every time we need to go somewhere. I have had it checked out by a taxi mechanic, and he reckons it's good for another hundred thousand miles at least. When the sun shines, I nip outside with my T-cut, BackToBlack, vinyl roof polish, WD40 etc, and tinker with it. As if this isn't daft enough, I have just ordered a wooden steering wheel, chrome hubcaps, and an assortment of other chromey bits to fancy it up a bit. Alison wants to do up the interior in a kind of Indian retro chic stylee, with mad carpet, cushions and dangly things. I want a decent stereo with a subwoofer wotsit and a set of chrome bumpers. We are all being silly buggers this week.

Christmas Comes Early

We got a call a few days ago confirming that Ellie and Oscar are to play the parts of Kate and Walter Dickens, the children of Charles Dickens, in a BBC documentary about "A Christmas Carol". They are both very excited about being on the telly, apparently they get to decorate a christmas tree and open lots of presents. Shooting starts next week, which is a slight problem because Oscar fell off the back of the sofa on Friday and now has a black eye. (which we haven't told them about..) If they complain, I'll just tell them that he has been 'getting in character', because probably most kids around that time looked slightly battered. There better be a good make-up artist around....

Lost Again

Thanks to good old iTunes, I've just been able to download the entire season 3 of Lost, which was annoyingly hijacked from my TV screen last year by those bastards at Sky. It looks damn good on my 24" iMac screen, and at £32 is pretty good value, especially if you are needing excuses not work.

Fnaaar !

This is good fun - link courtesy of my mate Tobes...

Torture

I've been very busy this week trying to finish an interactive DVD for one of my clients. The artwork, graphics, video and 3d stuff was all pretty much finished ages ago. The stage I am at now involves painstakingly examining and altering about 450 tiny text files, each with bizarre titles like MANPIMP07 and CONTUCD03. It is beginning to really do my head in. Fortunately the end is in sight and and I may be able to finish just in time to stop my brain from turning to complete mush. In a month or so, I'm going to have to edit each of these files again by translating them into the Azerbi language native to Azerbijan. I expect to be ready to commit suicide shortly afterwards.

Graffiti

The thing about graffiti here in the UK is that it is mostly of such pathetically poor quality. If the kids are talented enough to spray something cool on a wall in a sort of New York way, then I probably don't mind, but shit like this really pisses me off. For Christ's sake kids, do a bit of googling and research your artwork (and spelling) before you get started. And get some decent paints too.

Not Fair

The missus is swanning around in Capri this week, apparently working very hard but nonetheless I'm stuck here in Peckham. God I'm jealous.

If you're on a mac (which over half of you are according to my blog stats) then you can catch a glimpse of life in Capri with this QTVR three dimensional photograph thingy. And if you're using windoze then, download the quicktime plugin so that you don't feel left out.

And Whilst We're At It

And whilst we're at it, here's another classic from the archives... This one is of my missus pretending to be a bunny rabbit.

Cowboys

This week, whenever I have a few moments spare, I have been trying to sort through the 5000 or so photos on my computer. There seem to be loads of duplicates, and plenty that should just be chucked in the trash. Anyway, I came across this photo of my mate Derek, who is a recently retired chemistry schoolteacher, and felt I should share it.

Mews Party

Every year, all of us here in the Mews have a big party. This years event was great fun, there were no injuries, and we didn't have any trouble with the police. I mixed a rather lethal bucket of pimms (1 bottle pimms, 1 bottle vodka, 1 bottle lemonade) which was a great success, and everyone got very pissed. I am rather hungover today.

New iPods

Oh God, thats all I need, more beautiful gizmos to spend my non existent money on. And there will be a replacement out in 12 weeks probably. The iPod Touch is a masterpiece of design (again), click here to see a video explaning all it's wonderful features... Whatever happened to Radio Rentals ? Perhaps it's time to simply rent these things and just upgrade whenever something new comes along...

Pillocks

Come on then, if yer hard enough !

Mac Nuts

Ok, macs are cool, I love my mac etc etc. But, these people are nuts.

Although, this is even sadder...

Cabbie !

Ooh er, I've just gone and done something a bit mad... again. I seem to have bought myself a new car ! Ha Ha how crazy is this? Can't wait to customise the interior. This is gonna be such a laugh...especially trying to stop drunks climbing in late at night...Why did I buy a black cab ?

Because...

They are large virtually indestructable vehicles
They are easily one of the safest cars on the road
They are built on a solid chassis
They can carry huge amounts of shopping
They can carry up to seven persons
They are ideal school runs vehicles
They sit up high and give a fantastic command of the road
They give a sense of invinceability
They easily accept the largest pushchairs
Other drivers keep clear of taxis
They are simple to drive & easy to service
The division window can close off noisy kids
They can do over 30 miles to a diesel gallon
They frequently do half a million miles if regularly serviced
They are cheap to insure
Parts are not expensive
They can be hosed out after the kids throw up in the back
And you can sneak up the bus lanes...

Jason Bourne

I went to see Mr. Bourne smashing up cars and killing baddies with a phone book last night, and it was bloody brilliant.

Part Time Model

Very good.

R.I.P

I heard today that an old mate of mine died. I worked with John Taylor for about 8 years making mannequins for Adel Rootstien in a little studio hidden behind the Kings Road in Chelsea. It's the only job I ever had where I actually looked forward to going to work each morning. The studio had never really changed since he first set it up and sculpted Twiggy in sixties, there were the plaster heads and hands of all kinds of celebs and fashion models stacked precariously on shelves, the whole place had a layer of clay dust covering everything, most of the tools were at least 20 years old. Every morning at around 10, a model would come in and pose for a few hours whilst John set about sculpting her. Then we would have a fairly lazy lunch and a pint or two before going back and working on the plaster casts. The casts were eventually sent to a factory where they were copied and sold all over the world. I don't seem to have any pictures the old boy except this one which shows John and I working on a model of Amica in the late 80's. In 1990 I met Alison when we made a mannequin of her, and we've been together ever since. It was great fun in those days, walking up and down Regent Street seeing her in shop windows dressed up with different hairstyles and mad makeup. I even have a spare Alison under the stairs, in case the real one falls to bits. John was fantastic influence on me, a very wise and generous man who had partied hard through the sixties Kings Road fashion scene and matured into a mildly eccentric old man who considered most of what goes on these days as being irrelevant. I am a sad man today.

Bored

Its the sumer holidays still, and it's getting difficult to think of new ways to entertain the kids. Anyway, I came across these pics stashed away on my computer and thought I would share them in case any of you haven't seen them before or are daft enough to give it a try. I am a bored man and going to have a go at being a kangaroo today.

Oops !

I've just done something rather rash. I happened to be looking at the new iMacs on Apple's website, the 24" 2.8ghz one in particular, thinking to myself that I can't possibly afford one, and somehow I sort of accidentally hit the "purchase now" button. Going to have a bit of explaining to do when the missus gets back. I am an overdrawn man today.

Anniversary Cow

Today, with a certain amount of pride, I can announce that Alison and I have been together for 18 years. To celebrate, she bought me a cow, and we are going to the pub. Now you might think that we should be having a swanky dinner, and buying platinum jewelry for each other, but actually a cow and a pint is quite perfect in my view. I am a happy man today.

Pond Life

I am pleased to say that after a fair bit of mucking around and about 500 quid, I now have a rather lovely pond, complete with 6 little Kois and a filter/water spout thingymajig. If you don't already have a pond in your garden, you should definitely build one. It's not that hard, and few things are as calming as sitting by your pond, feeding the fish, whilst enjoying a beer and fag. I am a peaceful man today.

Heroes

I was horribly pissed off last year when Sky bought the rights to one of my favourite TV programs... "Lost". I absolutely refuse to sign up to Sky just to be able to see the third series, and now have to wait for it to come out on DVD. In fact, I will never subscribe to Sky, just because I think they are rude. Anyway, thank God there is now something else to keep me occupied at 9 pm each week... Heroes. Great fun, tonight on BBC2

On Holiday - The Last Day

Alas it is time to return home. We will try and bring some sunshine back, along with the usual selection of cheese and wine. Looking forward to my own bed, and a bit of telly.

On Holiday - Day Thirteen

The other day, whilst wandering the streets of Deauville, we found a shop selling ceramic cows. They are based on the series of "Cow Parade" cows that toured europe last year, and were very nice in a strange sort of way. The complete set cost quite a lot of money as they were around 40 quid each, and it seemed a bit pointless just having a few. Anyway, today I found some cheap knock offs for 7 quid each, and bought 5 of them. They are wonderfully tacky and would not look at all out of place next to some gnomes in the garden of this hut on our campsite.If anyone feels like buying me a 'proper' one... this one will do for a start.

On Holiday - Day Twelve

The skies turned a bit grey again today, so we jumped in the car and went off to explore Cabourg. The beach was very quiet, the umbrellas and changing tents all deserted. The shops are the same as everywhere else along this coast, and the only things we found that we would want to buy, were horribly expensive (as usual). Have a feeling that we may get a bit pissed tonight.

On Holiday - Day Eleven

Overnight, Ellies blister has grown to monster proportions and she is complaining that it hurts and she can't walk. We couldn't find a pin so I mangled a disposable razor and got the blade out, then distracted her long enough to slash it open. She didn't notice a thing, except that it stopped hurting immediately. Pirotin supplemented with Ice creams seems to be doing the trick with the other wounds.
We found a great little shop that serves homemade boeuf bourgignon with homegrown steamed potatoes which we took home and reheated in the microwave for dinner. The campsite entertainment last night consisted of a Deep Purple tribute band playing very loudly in the pouring rain. Alison is chuffed because she thrashed me at Backgammon. Otherwise, all is calm and peaceful.

On Holiday - Day Ten

Another day in the sun, being as lazy as the kids will allow. I spent a delightful few hours watching a girl on the beach who was clearly very proud of her new silicone tits. (sorry, no photo...) She spent most of the day fiddling with them, trying to keep her nipples from popping out of the absurdly small bikini she was wearing. She even had to dig 2 holes in the sand so that she could lie on her front.
Poor Ellie has been attacked by mozzies and seems to be allergic them, one eye is swollen shut and a bite on her leg has turned into a big blister. She is being very brave about it, although that may change when I decide it's time to pop the blister !

On Holiday - Day Nine

C'est incroyable! In complete and utter contrast to yesterday, today it hasn't rained a drop, not even one single little drop. In fact, the sun has been shining gloriously all day and we spent it on the beach getting sunburn. Fantastique ! In The evening, we we all gathered at the top of the hill to watch the free circus show, which was surprisingly good considering the whole circus fits into single trailer. They even chopped a lady's head off with a guillotine!

On Holiday - Day Eight

It rained ALL day, non stop. We decided to check out the "Soft Play" indoor kids fun palace wotsit thingy place, which is a 40 minute drive away. Five minutes after setting off, the "Are we there yet ?" stuff started, and it continued until we were 5 minutes away from our destination, at which point they both fell asleep. So we parked the car outside a cafe and sat in the rain drinking coffee until they woke up. The cafe was quite interesting... it is right next to the Pegasus Bridge and was the first house to be liberated in France at the end of the war. It is a tiny place the size of a living room, and is packed with photos and letters and medals and all sorts of memorabilia. Soft Play was completely jam packed with hysterical screaming kids, all slightly damp. We survived about an hour before heading back home, via a couple of bars and a supermarket. In the evening we walked up to the campsite bar and listened to a dreadful performance of french songs sung by a rather nervous lady with fake blonde hair. By the time she got round to "La Vie en Rose" we could take no more, so we all went home to bed and the slightly more enjoyable sound of rain plip plopping on the roof.

On Holiday - Day Seven

As it turned out, the rain stopped just long enough for the fireworks display, which was very good indeed. Something to do with the storming of the Bastille, apparently. We returned home weary and all slept very well. This morning we woke to sunshine, and a quick check of the skies revealed that we were in for a good day. "Crikey", I shouted, "lets get to the beach, Pronto !!" Before we knew it we were spread out on the sand, rubbing exotic oils onto our pallid flesh, soaking up the rays as quick as we could. Lunch was odd, simply because both kids refused the chicken nuggets and chips in front of them, preferring to eat Moules Marinieres and hard boiled eggs with homemade mayonnaise. Luella's french is coming on very well, and Oscar is an expert at demolishing sand castles. Saw a fantastic house which is sandwiched between the beach and the main cafe drag, but with 50 foot gardens on both sides.